The art of interpretation
"How are you?"
"Where are you from?"
"What do you do?"
During my socially un-enlightened years, I used to think these questions are so boring. After having hundreds of repetitive conversations like these, I thought: "Why can't people be more creative and ask something more interesting?".
Until one day, many experiences later, it dawned on me: words don't always convey what the speaker wants to express.
For example, I'm sure everyone has read/experience about the interesting fact that, what women say and what they mean are two different things. Here are some humorous examples taken from a website:
- It's your decision = The correct decision should be obvious by now
- Do whatever you want = You are going to pay for this later
- Sure...go ahead = I don't want you to
- I'm not upset = Of course I'm upset, you moron!
- Is my butt fat? = Tell me I'm beautiful
The same principal applies to many human interactions. When someone asks "What do you do?" when you meet for the first time, what they are really saying is: "Tell me something interesting about who you are in ways I can relate to, so that we may connect in some ways."
When you respond to what people are really asking, instead of being boring and repetitive, the conversation takes a different tone and becomes interesting. It's pretty simple right? But I was clueless for years.
When I travelled in India, the question "Where are you from?" quickly became an annoying phrase, because it was the first thing every tout and hawker said when they have their radar locked on you. When they said it, what they really meant was: "Give me a response so that I can continue talking and sell you something."
But when you are sitting in a friendly hostel with fellow travellers, "Where are you from?" becomes just another way of saying: "Tell me something interesting about who you are in ways that I can relate to."
Same words, big difference.
A while ago, a friend was upset because the girl he was seeing liked to play mind games with him. "I know all these games and tricks, and I'm so sick of girls who like to play them." He exclaimed.
That got me thinking, why do girls play games with guys? Isn't it just another form of indirect communication? Isn't it a way of expressing their uncertainty and/or doubt? So when us guys get upset and/or confused by them, doesn't it basically mean that we failed the tests titled "Are you man enough to be with me?" or "Are you sensitive enough to understand my feelings?"
I find it interesting that for some people, the skills to interpret what certain communication really mean seem to come so naturally to them, that they don't even need to think about what they do.
But for those who are more debilitated such as myself, we have to learn them the hard way. It's not easy, because someone who thinks "Why can't people ask more interesting questions?" has very different mindset and beliefs about themselves and others, compared to someone who thinks "I understand where you are coming from, and I can relate to that".
Mindset and beliefs are harder to change than behaviours.
